Just nod
by Eternalukyou
Summary: Shinji takes a trip to see a shrink, but can he handel what he finds in his heart? (insipries by the book: Are you alone on purpouse?)


Just nod  
By: Eternal_Ukyou  
  
Standard disclaimers apply  
  
"Hello Shinji." Dr Hikida smiled at Shinji pleasantly as she sat down behind her large oak table. "How are you doing today?"  
"Fine." He answered blankly.  
"Have anything in particular you want to talk to me about today? Anything you want to ask me Shinji?"  
"No."  
Shinji had stumped her, she sat silent for a moment and then she spoke again.  
"Well then tell me about your mother."  
"M-mother..." Shinji swallowed hard. "Why-what about my mother?"  
"Was that her who dropped you off today?"  
"No... that was Misato, my mother... she's dead..."  
"Oh.... When did she die Shinji?"  
"About nine years ago..."  
"You where about 5 or 6, is that right Shinji?"  
"Yes. I don't remember exactly how she died, but I know I was there where it happened. It had something to do with her job. My father never really told me. I don't remember anything about what happened after that."  
"So, do you remember her funeral?"  
"Not really." Shinji wasn't going to say anymore about my mothers death. He knew he was going to cry if he did.  
"What was your mothers name?" She spoke very gently to Shinji, very careful not to pinch a nerv. She had set him off before. She knew she had to be careful.  
"Yui."  
"Do you remember what she looked like?"  
"I had a picture."  
"Do you remember yourself." Sometimes Shinji though about it, sometimes he swore he saw his mother instead of Rei, but that was different. But the harder he tried to remember her the less of her he could see. Sometimes her image would come to his mind, right before he feel asleep or when he had prolonged sync tests.   
Dr. Hikida was quite, she watched Shinji carefully. Shinji knew she wanted an answer, he couldn't, he just couldn't. He turned away from her and closed his eyes.  
"Dose you father ever talk to you about you mother?" Shinji didn't want to answer that. He squeezed his eyes closed tighter and balled his hands into tight fists trying to resist tears. "Your father never talks about your mother with you Shinji?" He still didn't answer " Nod you head if I'm right Shinji, That's all, just nod." After a long uneasy pause Shinji nodded.  
"Do you know why he never talks about her Shinji. Just shake your head yes or no. Do you know why?"  
Yes, Shinji though. But he didn't need to tell me. He doesn't tell anyone.  
"Do you ever wish he would talk about her? Even just once?"  
Shinji swallowed hard and kept staring at his tightly balled fists that lay in his lap. After some time he nodded.  
"Have you ever ask him anything about Yui. Shinji? Just nod."  
He shook his head roughly. No  
"Why not? Do you think he doesn't want to talk to you about her?"  
A nod. Yes.  
"You didn't talk about her because your father didn't want to?  
Yes.  
"Do you know why he doesn't?"  
"He says what's in his heart is enough, that all he ever said to me about my mother."  
"Do you ever talk to anymore about her, just nod."  
He though about it and shook his head. It was another no.  
"Dose your father?"  
Shinji shrugged. He was hardly ever around his father, how would he know what he did. Why would he care? He tried to stop the tears, took a deep breath, and relaxed his hands, letting them slowly open in his lap.  
"You don't know?"  
"No..." Shinji said softly, but his voice sounded creaky. He wasn't going to cry now. He had won that battle for now.   
"Did you love you mother Shinji?"  
Suddenly all the air left Shinji lungs. He felt like he had just been punch square in the stomach. Shinji just looked up at her wide eyed.  
"You loved her didn't you?"  
He tried to talk but no words would form in his dry throat. He kept his eyes wide, hoping he wouldn't start to cry again.  
"I know you did, Nod if I'm right. Just nod Shinji. No one will know."  
Shinji looked own at his hands now, they where around him, clutching himself tightly. He let his chin dropped to his chest and he blinked repeatedly.  
"Just Nod Shinji."  
He closed his eyes. Please. He though. Go away and leave me alone. Don't make me dig up those memories. I though we where supposed to talk about me and my life with Misato and Asuka, not my mother. Let's talk about Misato. Hell, lets talk about Misato and Kaji's sex life, with all the details, anything but my mother.  
"Just nod."  
Shinji nodded, though he had forgotten to what he was agreeing to.  
Dr. Hikida sighed heavily, she leaned over her desk.  
"Do you miss her?"  
Shinji nodded again though he hadn't hardly heard what the doctor had said. There was silence following, Shinji felt hot tears run down his cheeks. For a few minutes he had there listening to the clock tick, then he finally spoke.  
"If you want to know about my mother... ask Gendou. I'd like to go now." He rose on trembling knees, not wanting to look at Dr. Hikida  
"We still have some time, I'd like to know more about your mother."  
"That's all I know." He turned and leaned against the door frame. One hand still hugging himself.  
"Alright then Shinji. Another time." She too rose from her chair. "I have to go to lunch now. You can stay here till your alright, ok?"  
"Yea." Shinji said sitting back down. His word come out as a raspy whisper.  
"Good bye Shinji." 


End file.
